“If You Were an Award, My Love” is not so much a story as a group of schoolkids drawing dirty pictures in their textbooks and snickering. It’s ostensibly a parody of Rachel Swirsky’s “If You Were a Dinosaur, My Love,” but unlike successful parodies it has no understanding of the story it’s satirizing. In fact, it’s so full of Rabid Puppy in-jokes it’s well-nigh unintelligible. Scalzi, the Puppies’ nemesis, is there, and an award, and there’s something about rabbits… But there’s really no point in trying to give a synopsis, even if I could. It was nominated to embarrass the Hugo voters, but it’s far more embarrassing for the people who wrote it.
Brad Torgersen must be breathing a huge sigh of relief right now: he is no longer responsible for the worst stories ever nominated for a Hugo.
And for the love of everything good in the world, don’t read the comments. This is such a near-universal piece of advice it should have its own haiku:
Leaves fall from the trees And drift away unnumbered Don’t read the comments.