Paul Di Filippo (pgdf) wrote in theinferior4,
Paul Di Filippo
pgdf
theinferior4

Todd Schorr: The Spectre of Monster Appeal



THE SPECTRE OF MONSTER APPEAL
Putting a point on his claws with the wall-mounted sharpener, Furry Hackerman began pasting up the latest issue of FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND. He employed his claws to spike various articles in anticipation of immediate need. At one point in his compositional routine, when all his claws held multiple articles, and other gluey snippets had stuck accidentally to his hairy form, Hackerman the editor looked as if he had fought a battle with the Sunday edition of the MONSTERVILLE TIMES and lost.

Hackerman's furry, fanged, fiery-eyed face wore a look of intense concentration. He was trying to decide which piece would be the lead this issue.

Should he go with GREEDY CORPORATE EXECUTIVES SUCK BLOOD OF STOCKHOLDERS or ANCIENT MALE SENATORS FORCE WOMEN TO GIVE BIRTH TO UNWANTED BABIES?

The first item focused on the new Roger Goreman film, CORPORATIONS ATE MY FUTURE! A real thriller-diller, starring those hairless apes which had suddenly become Hollywood's latest monster of the moment. Of course, no hairless apes actually existed any longer in Hackerman's world. The players in these films were all shaved werewolves (Hackerman's own species) or giant salamanders with many prosthetics and much makeup or trolls in rubber suits. But the very memory of these so-called "humans" and their incredibly bizarre society as it had once existed in genetic isolation on the island of Madagascar was still potent enough to generate boffo box-office.

The second item related to John Carpenter-Ant's LEGISLATURE OF HELL! Another hairless ape spooktacular. There were some really effective scenes here of humans drooling as they affixed their signatures in blood to the deadly legislation. Those shots would play well with Hackerman's juvenile audience of young ghouls and goblins.

In the end, Hackerman went with LEGISLATURE OF HELL!

Hours passed as the editor continued to paste-up the issue. Around eleven, his secretary entered, bearing a steaming cup of grue. Trixie Frankenstein's tall column of lightning-streaked hair barely cleared the doorframe.

"Furry, it's time for your break. You'll work yourself senseless if you go on like this."

"Hey, baby, life's short. I'll sleep when I'm undead!"
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